The first few paragraphs hit me so hard girl, I FEEL YOU. Up until I finished university, I never did anything I was bad at. I thought I was putting myself out of my comfort zone, but really, I was just doing *more* of the things I already knew how to do well. And piling one plate high doesn't do anything for the other empty plates at your personal buffet table (idk where this metaphor came from).
It took a bit of brain-rewiring, but I think graduating university and entering the big, scary "real world" did wonders for this. Suddenly, no one was grading me on my work. Sure, I had an adult job, but I quickly learned that the corporate world is more a game of social skills than it is actual work-related skills (at least in my company). Also, I was living in a new town far away from anyone I went to university or high school with. Unless I posted about something on social media, none of them would ever know what I was up to.
It was scary, at first, all these changes. Then it was freeing.
I could try new hobbies in my spare time and I could be terrible at them, and not only would nobody care, nobody would even *know* if I didn't want them to.
Your paragraph about listening to the voices you can't hear is still so relatable though. Even if no one could see me failing, or learning, my brain was anticipating what they would say if they could. Why the hell do we do that? I mean, okay, probably has to do with some evolutionary instinct to anticipate danger, I get it. But man, talk about limitations for no reason.
I heard something somewhere, once, that basically said "assuming other people are judging you actually makes YOU judgmental of THEM, not the other way around." In other words, it's actually rude of YOU to make the assumption that someone else, especially a stranger, is going to have cruel thoughts about you.
I think about that sentiment all the time. Instead of automatically assuming the strangers in the gym are internally laughing at me, I rephrase my self-talk into: "they're probably remembering when they first started learning this exercise, and are proud of another person for trying, too." Because you know what? Those are the kind of thought I have about other people, usually. So why wouldn't anyone think such a thing about me?
This has been a long ass comment, but all this to say, I understand you, and I think it's great to try things you're unskilled at, either publicly or privately. It would be a shame to die doing the same handful of things you became good at in your teens or twenties.
Ok wait i absolutely love this. the last paragraph especially!! That's such a good reframe. i would NEVER want someone to assume that I would think less of them for trying so why do I put them into the box of being cruel just because of my own fears. That's completely unfair. This is beautiful! And thank you for being my honorary substack big sister because you not only have such lovely advice but you write it so beautifully!!
The first few paragraphs hit me so hard girl, I FEEL YOU. Up until I finished university, I never did anything I was bad at. I thought I was putting myself out of my comfort zone, but really, I was just doing *more* of the things I already knew how to do well. And piling one plate high doesn't do anything for the other empty plates at your personal buffet table (idk where this metaphor came from).
It took a bit of brain-rewiring, but I think graduating university and entering the big, scary "real world" did wonders for this. Suddenly, no one was grading me on my work. Sure, I had an adult job, but I quickly learned that the corporate world is more a game of social skills than it is actual work-related skills (at least in my company). Also, I was living in a new town far away from anyone I went to university or high school with. Unless I posted about something on social media, none of them would ever know what I was up to.
It was scary, at first, all these changes. Then it was freeing.
I could try new hobbies in my spare time and I could be terrible at them, and not only would nobody care, nobody would even *know* if I didn't want them to.
Your paragraph about listening to the voices you can't hear is still so relatable though. Even if no one could see me failing, or learning, my brain was anticipating what they would say if they could. Why the hell do we do that? I mean, okay, probably has to do with some evolutionary instinct to anticipate danger, I get it. But man, talk about limitations for no reason.
I heard something somewhere, once, that basically said "assuming other people are judging you actually makes YOU judgmental of THEM, not the other way around." In other words, it's actually rude of YOU to make the assumption that someone else, especially a stranger, is going to have cruel thoughts about you.
I think about that sentiment all the time. Instead of automatically assuming the strangers in the gym are internally laughing at me, I rephrase my self-talk into: "they're probably remembering when they first started learning this exercise, and are proud of another person for trying, too." Because you know what? Those are the kind of thought I have about other people, usually. So why wouldn't anyone think such a thing about me?
This has been a long ass comment, but all this to say, I understand you, and I think it's great to try things you're unskilled at, either publicly or privately. It would be a shame to die doing the same handful of things you became good at in your teens or twenties.
Cheers to lifelong learning!!
Ok wait i absolutely love this. the last paragraph especially!! That's such a good reframe. i would NEVER want someone to assume that I would think less of them for trying so why do I put them into the box of being cruel just because of my own fears. That's completely unfair. This is beautiful! And thank you for being my honorary substack big sister because you not only have such lovely advice but you write it so beautifully!!